stream of consciousness--God doubts.

I am needy. I hate myself. I need him. Sometimes I don't know him. I chickened. I freaked. I'm a loser. God is too. I blame my father. He is a coward. God is too. Everyone tip-toes around the truth and then punishes a liar. I am a liar. Everyone lies. I can't trust anyone. Our time has been overall good and overall bad. Our time has been filled with deception. He is really sweet too. He has been there for me 24/7. And still is. Why can't I just be normal like my sisters? Why am I so tormented? God is a coward. God is a pyschopath. He wants to drive me into the ground. No one can love me. I want to die. And God will kill me. I am not beautiful. I am ugly. I am vulnerable. I hate you right now. I cannot be steady.