New Spin on Cover Letters--Watch em bite!

Dear Aaron Walters:

Wow. It would be so cool if I could get this position. I could make like close to a 100 thousand a year. Wouldn't that be a dream come true?

Only one problem though---seeing as how your client is a dairy company and I'm lactose intolerant, the glove just doesn't fit the shoe. If you know what I mean.

But what the heck...I'll try anyway: Of all the qualifications you listed, I actually do meet some:

Excellent computer skills (Microsoft Office, AS400) (All but AS400)
Leadership/Ability to Influence: proven leadership track record (Camp counselor 2 consec. summers)Excellent oral and written communication & facilitation skills ( Especially oral)
Strong Coaching Skills: demonstrated ability to develop others (love Dr. Phil)
Teamwork: ability to work across functional boundaries (?? shouldn't it be "dysfunctional" boundaries?)
Judgment: ability to convert analytical findings into actionable recommendations (Heck Yea!)
Customer Service Orientation (Love people)
Willing to relocate for career advancement (Yeppers)

DANG it. I got all but the financial part.

Well, if you're still interested--let me know--I can tweak my resume toward the financial industry if you know what I mean.

thanks a bunch,

Anna Mason xoxoxoxoxo

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Dearest Amy Huffman:

What is it really that you are looking for in a marketing manager? I mean--I know--I saw the "requirements" on careerbuilder.com but before long the "requirements" all start to look like the same pile of mumbo jumbo from the previous post of an employer who also copied and pasted the latest from the "7 Habits of Highly Effective Hirers." And what is it exactly that you are looking for. I am so sick of reading stale article after article on some jacked up "how to have a career" site that I don't know what to do anymore. What will really ensure that your company gets the most qualified candidate out there? How do you feel when you are interviewing possible employees? How do you gauge whether someone has excellent written and oral communication skills? How, from a resume and short "kiss ass" cover letter can you tell that someone may be a strategic thinker when they probably paid someone to write the letter for them?

What classifies someone as computer literate? How do you feel when you receive resume after resume after resume and you (or someone close to you in the food chain) gets to choose who is the best according to your moody estimation? Is it a power trip?

I think it is a mistake to prefer your marketing manager to have a degree in biological sciences. While it is important that your candidate be able to process Sciency info, the more important factor should be their intuitive marketing skills. Someone might know how to cook up some cooky agent--but that doesn't mean they will be able to persuade someone to buy it. No offense, but we all know that "science people" aren't known for their bubbling, persuasive personalities. If someone is really SMART SMART SMART enough and they are going to have any type of career in marketing, I would predict they wouldn't spend 4 years of their life on a science major.

Anyway, don't take offense--I'm just trying to add a little spice to your life.

Sue me.

And best of luck in finding ALL that you are looking for in an employee.

Sincerely,
Anna Mason