Confessions of a Fraud

So at some point, for some reason...I just started putting "writing" in the keyword search for jobs. I really don't know how or why I started with that.

But recently, someone locally, contacted me off of sologig.com for a writing gig. I went to meet with them twice. We talked, discussed. They seemed interested in me working on their writing project (ghost writing their book). I drew up a quote for the project. "Oh, no can do,(too much money)" they basically retorted.

So they instead said, "well, since you're looking for a job, i was thinking that maybe you could work here as a secretary and write for me on the side." Immediately my pride was like, no way on God's green earth will I compromise myself to do something on terms that were not originally intended or expressed upfront. I thought this was going to be a straight up gig based on what the other person perceived as my talent and experience.

However, we met again and this person said that I could work from home for a flat rate and write and that it would be on my own terms and that there would be a loose deadline for Christmas. (Which by the way is pushing it to get a 200 page book done). Ok, so---I accepted the gig, listened to a 10 hour seminar type presentation of the material. Came home with the tapes and have had them for 3 weeks.

I have only transcribed 4, as of today. Which is going a little slow and of course not 8 hours a day worth of work.

However, I am not working on an hourly basis. So I figure when I start writing, I will spend much more clock time than will be accounted for in the weekly salary and that it will all even out if the book is to be done in 3 months.

I know I know.

Anyway, this person was expecting all of the tapes to have been done already. I said, well, suspend my pay, don't pay me anymore. Let me think on this and I will get back with you tomorrow.

I lost my steam because I sent 2 of my writings, generally on the subject matter and this person did not like them at all. They freaked that I might write their book in a style which they said was too "Tolkien" and that only a handful of people appreciated that kind of writing. And that the writing needed to be accessible.

So I freaked. And was like...I can't handle this pressure. I don't even know if I WANT to do this, much less if I CAN do it.

And THAT's THAT.

Why did I start putting "writing" in the keyword search for jobs? Why didn't I put something more along the lines of "cleaning" "toilets."

I'm thinking that I will just chill on my 2 music gigs which brings in enough to cover rent and insurance and groceries.

And not stress myself like a little skitzo chipmunk trying to save for the future.
Save what?
I should save myself from today, not tomorrow.

I will be back later tonight. Because I have more to say.