Dirty Money

Need I say more? Ok. If you insist. I've always had dirty money issues. I need money and yet I feel like I can do better work when I am volunteering. Yet I also wouldn't mind having lots of money so that I can buy lots of fine lotions and candles and foods. And yet there are starving children in Africa. I grew up with making sure that my dad got the biggest piece of meat and whatever was left was divided between us four kids and then my mom. So, now-a-days I do enjoy being able to eat without worrying that there will not be enough to satisfy my desire for more. (it was never a matter of REALLY being hungry) Now, I always ask before I start eating if anyone would like some of mine. That is because I can't stand the feeling that someone is just going to grab something off of my plate when I least expect it.

But I can share. I grew up sharing. It just takes a lot of self control to wait for my next bite. I think the reason I have such mixed emotions about money is because of growing up in the church. I was taught that it is more blessed to give than to receive so I've never had the raw desire to fight for a monetary raise, or the bigger piece of pie. I am always afraid to ask how I will be compensated for my trouble. Growing up on very minimal provisions while all the time giving 10 percent of what money I ever made to the church--I developed somewhat of a financial martyr complex. I have donated a lot of my time and talents freely to the church. But, the institutional church has also employed me. And this is where I feel like a hypocrite.

Because, today I was sitting in church, hearing the second sermon in a row on "giving" and I am just feeling like it is completely irrelevant (Even though by people's giving, I am paid a salary). And that really people have no moral, social, spiritual or Biblical obligation whatsoever to give money to "the church." I just can't envision Jesus stopping by the synagogue to drop off his weekly tithe. Whatever. Then everyone has to get into all the intricacies of what the "Word of God" says on the matter. Jesus also pulled money out of the mouth of a fish. I suppose THAT was an allegory.

I just came across this congregation in Texas today who was paying their pastor a salary of $200,000. There is some sort of news release on the church site that says he is not being paid that salary anymore because, he is--by his own choosing, living off of his book sales (his own money). The book is on the New York Times Best Seller list and is (by the way) advertised on every televised church service to millions of viewers (not including the 25,000 that are in the congregation). Anyway, so the whole news release is to prove that the pastor's wealth is not a result of "dirty money,"--that his owning a 2 million plus dollar home is all on the up and up.

I think it is great that 25,000 people can get together in unity and sing really nifty and uplifting praise songs. Don't get me wrong. And I know I am just sharing bitter little bits and pieces. But the main point in all of this--is that I don't know how I fit into the picture. I want to be a do-gooder, but maybe not. I just have a complex that doesn't add up. This isn't in a spirit of criticizing those who believe in what they give and what they receive. This is in the spirit of questioning my own part in the whole scheme of giving and receiving. So please don't comment with Bible verses or sermons on why people should give. I can assure you--I've been there, done that and confessed. And I'm still not ready to put my money where my mouth is.