Makin' My Way Back To Cleveland

I'm in Cleveland.

Packed in like 10 minutes this morning.
Met Dr. Beverly Hogan on the shuttle--an extremely cool lady.
Had a shrimp/something something lasagne for dinner--was excellent.

I didn't imagine Cleveland to be this big. Ohio is just such a dull name for a state (sorry ohioians!). But I love this Kinny Chesney song that references Cleveland.

And in the morning
I’m leaving,
making my way back to Cleveland
So tonight I hope
that I will do just fine
And I don’t see
how you could ever be
anything but mine.
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(Some thoughts from last night)
Are you completely clueless to your charm?

Is there really a shoe that fits? Is it possible for my face to feel flushed as a part of reality?

I used to be so pure in my hopes but I see how life has the tendency to cycle us down to what we can only dream about as a disjointed existence.

I feel such deep feelings.

It is like two worlds fighting against each other. I don't want to be alone....I don't want to be foolish....I don't want to gamble with the real pieces of life.

I don't feel bad for not wanting to be alone.

But I feel bad that I have some unrealistic imagination of what things are supposed to be, instead of what they are.

I feel guilty for enjoying your company. And I don't want to be a floater in life. I don't want to make flighty decisions when people's feelings and lives are at stake. It just seems like no one understands me. I want it to be ok that I love to admire flowers, taste and smell things, enjoy every little inch of what I can see, smell, feel and hear. But I feel so stunted most of the time. I don't want to feel like I am an irresponsible little girl when I take the time to feel something as deeply as is humanly and spiritually possible.

I can't keep walking with people on a shallow level. I just want to talk to people like they are real, like there is a soul inside, not like they are just a shell of humanity.

God has to love me like this in all of my muddy humanity.

My emotions are elastic.

I Love You

I love you--
floats from my mouth
like petals of a flower
sailing
downstream to you.

And nothing
can slow this journey
as love's force
gently pushes me along
even past dry banks
where others have settled down
to hope no more.

Span the distance
of admiration
where color caught your eye
and wade these waters
to hold me in your hand.

Short Term Value Meal

Only 99 cents worth of stray change will purchase enough heart burn to disturb a good night's rest and enough fat to keep local artery roto rooters in business. Before you mistake me for a self-righteous vegan or something like that, hear me out. I just finished a short term value meal from Wendy's. There is just too much temptation to go for fast food that ONLY has super short term value. I don't have a sermon for you or any cutting edge double dare diets. I just want to tell you how I feel when I eat a short term value meal. UCK. ICK. YUCK. I mean, in the moment it feels good. Especially when I load the fries, potatoes, burgers, salads--just load it all down with condiments galore. And I do. Everytime. By the way, I have learned that you will get more ketchup at the drive through by saying, "could you please give me a handful of ketchup" as opposed to "could I please have LOTS of ketchup." Anyway, start to think with me..."How would my life be better if I consistently ate long term value meals instead of #5 with cheese at Wendy's?" ps. Please don't send me accolades for choosing to think long term. This is just a fleeting thought/concept that may or may not affect my every day actions.

Task Oriented Robot

I think I have a job now--working from home for a flat salary, writing. I am supposed to start next Friday. It really seems too good to be true, so I will believe it when I get my first paycheck. I had an interview today at CBA, a Christian Trade Association. The interview process is very extensive. First I had a phone interview, then I had the interview today and there are two more interviews before they hire. I had to take a computer test, aptitude test and some kind of personality test. This is an administrative position for the marketing and communications department. For some reason I feel a degree of anxiety when thinking about the job in comparison to working from home writing. So I hope the writing/publicist position works out. I have an interview tomorrow for a music director position--the position would be traveling around to different pre-schools to teach music classes. I am still going through the interview processes because I have been looking for so long and I don't need to just drop the opportunities. I really have a dream of doing something that I love to do. I passionately want to spend my days connecting with people, in person or in writing. I really don't want to spend my days as a task oriented robot. But I understand that I am an adult so have to do whatever it takes to keep myself afloat financially. It is just that there are hopes beyond surviving. I also start a new music position that pays more than my current one--next week. This will involve me vocally leading the music and playing at the same time for a group of about 200. So the job may be a little more stressful. But musically, I am looking for something to stretch me. They have a grand piano AND organ--so that will be a fun change. I really appreciate the comments on here. It helps so much just to get some feedback about life.

Is It Just Me?

I don't know what to write tonight. The sensors in my brain have been on such overload for the past few months that I can barely get out a coherent thought. Every little thing that I experience is magnified 20 fold and it is as if I am emotionally watching the bad ending of a movie over which I have no control. Anger and frustration mark every single move I make. There is a truth inside me that I can't quite get out. And I'm not all that sure what the truth is. But I feel like I won't be happy until I speak it.

The Things I miss

It is so weird how the things we miss and the things we suffer ride the fence together. I miss very specific moments in time. And I usually hate the general chunk of time in which those very specific things happened. Sometimes it is hard to dig to the depths and pick out those small dreams that we wish we could recreate. There is also usually regret involved in identifying those flashes of joy. Because had we known that we were going to survive that chunk of hard times--we might have let ourselves experience "the moment" as more emotionally attached.

My Moments:

Going to breakfast with my mother after having emerged from an emotionally tragic time in my life.

Traveling cross country with my boyfriend during a time in which my family doubted every move I made.

Rolling my friend around NY City in a wheelchair while being distracted by an emotional addiction back home.

Spending quality time with ALL of my family in the mountains this summer while worrying about having quit my job and feeling extremely lonely and disconnected from reality.

How do I fix this? How do I settle down to now, the moment--while letting the surrounding circumstances live on their own?

New Spin on Cover Letters--Watch em bite!

Dear Aaron Walters:

Wow. It would be so cool if I could get this position. I could make like close to a 100 thousand a year. Wouldn't that be a dream come true?

Only one problem though---seeing as how your client is a dairy company and I'm lactose intolerant, the glove just doesn't fit the shoe. If you know what I mean.

But what the heck...I'll try anyway: Of all the qualifications you listed, I actually do meet some:

Excellent computer skills (Microsoft Office, AS400) (All but AS400)
Leadership/Ability to Influence: proven leadership track record (Camp counselor 2 consec. summers)Excellent oral and written communication & facilitation skills ( Especially oral)
Strong Coaching Skills: demonstrated ability to develop others (love Dr. Phil)
Teamwork: ability to work across functional boundaries (?? shouldn't it be "dysfunctional" boundaries?)
Judgment: ability to convert analytical findings into actionable recommendations (Heck Yea!)
Customer Service Orientation (Love people)
Willing to relocate for career advancement (Yeppers)

DANG it. I got all but the financial part.

Well, if you're still interested--let me know--I can tweak my resume toward the financial industry if you know what I mean.

thanks a bunch,

Anna Mason xoxoxoxoxo

----------------------------

Dearest Amy Huffman:

What is it really that you are looking for in a marketing manager? I mean--I know--I saw the "requirements" on careerbuilder.com but before long the "requirements" all start to look like the same pile of mumbo jumbo from the previous post of an employer who also copied and pasted the latest from the "7 Habits of Highly Effective Hirers." And what is it exactly that you are looking for. I am so sick of reading stale article after article on some jacked up "how to have a career" site that I don't know what to do anymore. What will really ensure that your company gets the most qualified candidate out there? How do you feel when you are interviewing possible employees? How do you gauge whether someone has excellent written and oral communication skills? How, from a resume and short "kiss ass" cover letter can you tell that someone may be a strategic thinker when they probably paid someone to write the letter for them?

What classifies someone as computer literate? How do you feel when you receive resume after resume after resume and you (or someone close to you in the food chain) gets to choose who is the best according to your moody estimation? Is it a power trip?

I think it is a mistake to prefer your marketing manager to have a degree in biological sciences. While it is important that your candidate be able to process Sciency info, the more important factor should be their intuitive marketing skills. Someone might know how to cook up some cooky agent--but that doesn't mean they will be able to persuade someone to buy it. No offense, but we all know that "science people" aren't known for their bubbling, persuasive personalities. If someone is really SMART SMART SMART enough and they are going to have any type of career in marketing, I would predict they wouldn't spend 4 years of their life on a science major.

Anyway, don't take offense--I'm just trying to add a little spice to your life.

Sue me.

And best of luck in finding ALL that you are looking for in an employee.

Sincerely,
Anna Mason

OFFICIAL PR stunt of CollegeBoard

To Whom It May Concern:

Not to be T-Totally offensive right off the bat. But THE LAST ticket to work is writing. Society is highly geared toward calculation or formulaic measure of someone's subjective abilities. (aka being graded by "trained" readers on the writing portions of standardized tests...BAH..what a load of...)

Riting: Ticket to work?
If I apply for a marketing position that requires both technical skills and writing skills--where:

Applicant A: Has great technical skills and no writing abilities.
Applicant Me: Has some technical skills and great writing abilities.

Applicant A WILL get the job. Please do not ask if I know this because of an isolated incident in my own life. The last time I checked, educated guesses were allowed.

So, I agree that there should be a writing revolution. But starting a writing revolution with the crazy, overused three "R"s thing--is a little over the top. Especially since we all know that the common spelling of "writing" WRITTEN doesn't start with the R sound, but with the silent W.

Actually, I see this as nothing more than a PR stunt so that the masses will stay quiet about whatever new educational fad "College Board" bullies onto us. And though, overall, I suppose College Board has done great things to monopolize education to the point of setting some lucrative corporate standard--THIS particular effort wreaks of flippancy and inefficiency.

It doesn't do any good to raise the Riting bar so that students can succeed in college--because there is a whole 2-3 generations of professors who can't write either. I know this is a sweeping generalization, but I swear it holds water when I have sat in a class under the tutelage of a DR. So-in-So who can't write but somehow managed to pass his boards.

In the spirit of democracy and with all due respect, my relationship with College Board is definitely one of love/hate. In order to make it through the educational system, I had to saddle my bags with you and go along for the ride whether I wanted to or not.

Sincerely,
Anna Mason

What I Wanted To Give: My boyfriend Maurice's Birthday

It seems like I find myself in this situation every year. But then again we have only been together for two years--two birthdays. But today, I couldn't even give my man what I've been getting all my life--love with the best of intentions. Growing up, we didn't have much. I can remember how my mom and dad would improvise so much on Christmas and Birthdays that you could almost feel the hurt and pain in every single gift they gave. I can remember when it was my dad's birthday--that my mom would wrap up the oddest things and present them to him at the birthday dinner she had cooked for him. I can remember how us kids, not being able to afford real birthday banners, would strew the house with toilet paper that we had carefully written happy birthday on. When my dad would come home from work--I wonder if he could feel the pain of breaking through that toilet paper banner we had put in his doorway. My mom was the saint that I will never be. Because she taught us how to love with what we had. She taught us how to make gifts out of things we could do instead of what we couldn't afford to give. Today--I hurt my boyfriend because I didn't give him a gift. I have no money right now to get him something he would really love--and my pride would not let me hang toilet paper for him because I was too selfish to feel the shame of being poor--all over again. But if he could just know that in my heart I wanted to give him the world. I wanted to give him the best things money could buy. I wanted to honor him and his birthday with his friends. I wanted him to have a beautiful birthday but instead he got nothing--not even something homemade and from my heart. What is this inside me that did not want to feel the pain of seeing him accept just a meager attempt to give him something when I have nothing good to give. Happy Birthday, Maurice.

You wouldn't believe how many interviewers have asked about my "personal life" whether I have kids or not. Geesh. I've just started making up stories about it to experiment with creating expressions on people's faces.

"Yes, I have children but my first husband watches them for me every other day so I won't have to leave work early all the time to pick them up from school. He's such a jewel. Isn't he such a jewel?"

Anyway, whatever. Women have it hard. All I know is--it scares the dickens out of me when I realize the implications of being asked such a question.

And women get a bad rap for wanting to "have it all." Oh please. Have it all? Have it all my ass. Anyway. I admire all of the women who work their fingers to the bone to help provide for their children because no one else is taking dual responsibility. And I feel sorry that their efforts are misinterpreted as trying to "have it all." To all of you who are in this boat--I wish you the best of luck and continued tenacity to survive.

This is like THE most aweful picture ever. But I was just thinking about being a whore, about prositution--the reasons that go into such a lifestyle. And then I began to think about ways in which I prostitute myself in order to survive. And it hit me--prostitution is not about fun and fleeting fancies. Prostitution is about the need to survive. And I realized that I have been a prostitute for much of my life. Participating in the crack whore training that comes cheap in congregational settings where we sell ourselves to God for nothing--nothing but a promise of future jewels. This promise is nothing less than what the street whore is promised for her sexual favors. A better future, A more fulfilled existence. Prostitution encompasses more than just sex. Here is the dictionary.com definition. Prostitution: The act or an instance of offering or devoting one's talent to an unworthy use or cause.

And then I realized that I have spent most of my life as the church whore. I have recently been looking for a full-time job (I have a part-time church music director position). I interviewed for another church music position that pays more. Long story short, they offered me the job. But because of everyone's expectation that I prostitute my services for the simple greater good of the community, I am plagued with guilt about whether I should accept the position (that pays more) or not.

Also, in the interview I was grilled about whether I would be there for the long term or not. I mustered the guts to say that, "the reason the turnover rate for church musicians is so high, is because they can't be expected to treat the job as a career position when they aren't getting career pay or career benefits."

Anyway, enough of that vent. We will see how it all turns out. I do keep praying and hoping that God will show me what to do. Perhaps, lightning would work.